el unfiltered 2

As it's mid-day, and here we are we're mid-June, and it's mid-year 2023, I'm taking stock in what mid-way looks like. So, forgive my reflective flow of unorganized thoughts, here I am unedited, sentimental, thinking about my 50s, and, as it's Father's Day Eve, I'm also thinking about all the dads out there, especially the father of my sons.

If you're a dad, happy Father's Day!

Fifty years ago dads were the breadwinners--as a given. Today, even with the stats showing men still making more for the same jobs women hold alongside of them, they aren't necessarily the given breadwinners in a household anymore. I've been my family's primary breadwinner--the sugar mama--for well over two decades. And reflecting on my over five decades on earth, I've been earning my keep on the planet for forty years. Knowing I don't have forty more working years in me, I'm mid-life in age-ish and now closer to the end of my working career than I am the beginning of it.

Reflecting... The majority of my jobs have been in male-dominated roles, jobs, and industries. No kidding, even from my first: a paper route. The State Legislature was another. And in tech, my current career, I'm frequently the only woman still in many of my meetings.

There are more and more men showing up as allies, mentors, and sponsors of women in the workplace in this decade than ever I've seen before. I trust my leaders are paying me fairly and want to retain this gal in the workplace. I've rarely felt sexism at work since about 2014, personally. Though rare, it is not impossible to still spot it in the workplace.

But! I never spot it at home. And that is where the end to sexism starts.

The man I married got his feminism by osmosis from his single mom, an OB/GYN RN, who showed him the potential, power, and value of an empowered career woman firsthand. Raising two sons alone, working night shift as a nurse and day shift as a mom, my mother-in-law covered all the roles. Whether he knows it or not, his respect for his mom's strength and feminism, shows up in our marriage and for me too. Me? I got my feminist values from my own single, hardworking mom of four! So I too knew growing up seeing first hand of the power and value of becoming an independent working woman.

Since the two of us signed up to be married, we were both working DINKs (dual income, no kids), and as things went, I always earned more. The table was always turned with us. He cheered me on, never resented my higher earnings or earning potential. Many years later, we filled the backseat of our car with two more humans; they're the cutest, and we became SITKs (single income, two kids), I earned for us both (well, for us four, because I had the larger earnings and earning potential, we figured, and he loved the idea of being at home for his sons, so it was decided).

He had the harder job staying home with two babies. He relentlessly took care of every detail of our home life, the kids' needs and routine, the chores, the cooking, the driving, the appointment making, the majority of the diapers, laundry, the cleaning, the PTA requests, the yard work, the home repairs, the car repairs, the teacher conferences, the back to school shopping, the homework, the Vet appointments for the world's cutest dog, the picking up of said cute dog's poop, and--even though I'm the 'money matters' gal who always took care of big picture wealth building and protecting steps we took, it was he who got me focused on frugality from our first date, eventually getting us both out of debt, and he who collected our mail every day, opened it, and organized the bill pay system we needed in place to maintain our amazing debt-free lifestyle and great credit scores.

While I worked on a computer much of that time in a quiet cubicle for our livelihood and pay, among other adults, and with colleagues who were supportive friends filling me with intellectual curiosity, he worked among messy and chaotic little people who challenged him in other ways. Whenever my laptop lid was closed, I usually set about to overcompensate with love, snuggles, story books, and the spoiling of our children with undivided attention and treats. Typically in the form of candies or Legos, even candy Legos. The title "Disneyland Dad" should get shared with this mom appropriately too (gulp).

Today, I hear him telling the kids, 'you have all this because of your mother, make sure you appreciate her for working so hard for us.'

But no. It's him we all have to thank. I could not have been a breadwinner without such a supportive partner, good father, and hard working man at home enabling, empowering, and cheering me on and taking care of our kids so I wasn't worried about them while I was at work. I wish his mom could see him now and the father he is, thanks to all she taught him about being unconditionally loving and devoted to your children.

It isn't always hunky dory being married and sorting out these responsibilities, pressures, and often-thankless duties on the regular. But the work we both put in has paid off. I roll my eyes at times, and sigh, but really, at the end of the day, as we clock another year together, I have no complaints.

Our kids survived us in the daily grind we each maintained in our own ways. And so did we. We kept them alive and well, we kept them watered and fed, off drugs, out of jail, and I love how they're thoughtful and happy humans now, both taller than me.

The two humans we made will be feminists by osmosis, like their dad and me. They'll have seen first hand what a man can do to create and tend to a family and what a mom can do to create and provide for one. They'll finish their growing up appreciating the equal but different pressures two people share when they decide to contract for life and they'll treat both roles respectfully. They'll learn to falter and get back to it, the determination and grit it takes, and see on our faces the intrinsic reward felt in achieving a good life.

If you are a dad who's job is to take care of the home front, a hard working spouse, any children, and pets, I wish you a happy Father's Day and tell you, without a doubt you have the harder job, equal but different pressures, and as big a purpose and calling in serving, nurturing, and tending to your family and home so well. Well done. You deserve more than a day off.

If you are a dad, who's job it is to go be a breadwinner, at work every single day, navigating what it takes to sustain a career in the job market today, busting your butt to bring home the bread or bacon, healthcare insurance, and other safety net benefits and perks that ensure your at-home partner and children's wellness and wellbeing are possible, I wish you a happy Father's Day too and tell you, the weight you pull is extraordinary and immense (I know), the pressures equal but different, and your purpose and calling are serving you and your family equally well. Congratulations. Enjoy Father's Day to the fullest!

However, if you've got a partner and your partner is not working because there are no minutes left in the day right now to pursue and maintain a vibrant career too, like you have, then s/he/they are at a disadvantage. So, you have one more financial responsibility to your non-employed partner: you should want to help them to focus on funding their own investment in themselves (be it education, reskilling, an eventual return to work if they like, or in continually building their own retirement savings account, and financial independence, equitably). This means planning through contingently exactly what their financial life would be like without you breadwinning for them in their future. Your partner is betting on you for the long term, not betting on a divorce, disability, or death to occur. So, while you work and enjoy your career, your employability, and your earning potential ahead, you have the added responsibility to level the future playing field for your spouse who put their career, employability, and earning potential on the back burner to bet on you and stand by you and your family as their calling.

Throughout my marriage, and this month marks another year of it, my husband's retirement account kept pace with mine whether he was working or not, his interests apart from the kids and me were enabled, especially his addiction to bicycling. (He's biking right now.) I always insured my life, my income, and my body/health from disability. I also always kept a will, a specific health care directive. A Trust. Accurate and current beneficiary forms. The kinds of things you do when three people are counting on you pulling them for forever.

If you're a single dad (or mom) doing it all, I see you too and appreciate all you give. I can't relate to being a single parent, I can generally tabulate all you must be doing on all fronts, and you ah-maze me. So take good care of yourselves you heroes of planet earth. Just keep going. It will get easier. Remember to save every dollar you can for your retirement, because of any of us you will have earned yours the most deservingly. Remember your beneficiary forms. Take a moment to ensure your lil heirs are set up if their only hero needed a contingency plan. You have my admiration.

While most of their lives they've always seen their dad on the home front and their mom on the work front, our sons have always been taught to respect both roles in a household equally. They do know which one of us they make work harder!

Soon the old adage of 'a woman's work is never done,' will be equally shared with you men, as it must truly be said of all you dads too.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads! And all the single moms.

Yours,

el

PS - TFR, thank you immeasurably. Happy 17th Father's Day! You've been simply the best!